“Crack the Surface to Heal My Heart.”

“Crack the Surface to Heal My Heart.”

The winter weather was sure in the air, the days and nights were cold!  Wow!  It was so cold the snow crunched on the ground as I walked.  CRACK!  I stepped on a tiny bit of ice on the sidewalk.  I giggled and remembered how I liked to do that as a girl.  Pop and crack the ice bubbles of puddles that had started to freeze.

Exams were also here.  New rules for the houses.  It was quiet almost all day, except for “Power Hour” at about 7pm where we could play louder music have conversations in the hallways and keep our doors open if we wanted too.  Sometimes I would hear a beer can crack open with the tab fizzing.  “Someone was partying early” I thought. 

I had written a couple of exams, and one night I was siting alone in my room.  I had some music going.  I was not on duty either for EFRT so I could relax.  My mind started to wander.  Thoughts bubbled up, words.  I wrote them down onto paper.  CRACK!  My healing had started from the abuse I experienced and stalking I was still experiencing from Devon.  After I wrote the words I stopped and read them out loud. 

“Wow, Aime this is really good.”  I took the poem to J.N. and read it to her.  “It is so raw and to the point.  How do you feel?”  J.N. took a sip of her tea.  Her office was in the other dorm housing just off the main office area in the entry way. 

“I like it, I did cry some after I was finished.”  I took a breath and could feel my voice crack and started quivering.

“Aime, you should be really proud of yourself for writing this.  I am proud of you.”  J.N. hugged me as I left her office.

Our university is lucky enough to have Gender Issues Center (GIC).  A space for women to go to for support and connection.  I knew of it in 1st year.  Yet never went there.  Did not want Devon knowing what I was doing there if I was there.  Now though in year 2 I was visiting every couple of weeks to say hello.  I was building relationships with the ladies in the GIC.  One of the women who is the director was sitting on the couch when I walked in.  The GIC was in the basement of the main building, in the tunnels of the university.  The tunnels were just for the main campus to connect the buildings.  When it is -30C or more they come in handy to walk from building to building when it is cold out.

“Hi Candy.  How’s the day been?”  I waved at Candy as I came into the GIC.

Candy smiled at me and waved.  “Hi Aime.  Things are good.  Cold today isn’t it?”

“For sure it is.  Yes.”  I shuffled my feet a bit and bit my lower lip. 

Clearing my throat, I said “Uuummm…. Candy, I wrote something, and I would love to know what you think.”  CRACK!  I took a breath after I said it.  Thinking to myself “The heart is starting to heal Aime.”

“Aime.  Oh, my gosh.  This is powerful.  I love this.  Can I have you send me a copy of this?  We will be doing a violence prevention section in the Argus next month.  I would like to submit this for the newspaper.”

CRACK!  I shook my head, what did Candy say?

“You do?  I’ve never had anything published in a newspaper before.”  Looking wide eyed at Candy.

“Yes.  We need to show that violence does happen on campus.”  Candy gently smiled at me.

“Uh, okay.”  CRACK! 

“Take a breath Aime.  We won’t put your name on it unless you want it to be.”  Candy said to me reassuringly.

“Okay, I’ll think on it and let you know.  I got to go, getting hungry, and the cafeteria closes soon.  Thanks Candy!’

Power and Control

You said you would never hurt me.

You said you never wanted to se my cry.

But the scary thing is, you did hurt me, and you can’t figure out why!

I felt that I had to report to you every second of the day.  Where I was going, what I was doing, who I was with, when I was coming home.

It was like you had the final say.

Sometimes I’d just lie silent as you went on your merry way.  Even though I wished that you would stop sometime today.

 Then you started to box me in.

I felt trapped, and scared like an animal caged in.

“I want to see my friends.” I’d say.

Then you’d tell me “I need you, I want you.  No stay with me today.”

You said you would never hurt me.

You said you never wanted to see me cry.

But the scary thing is, you did hurt me, and you can’t figure out why.

I’ve been warned about boys like you and always been told to stay away.

Now that our relationship is through, I can go on MY merry way.

And I pity any future women who ever look your way.

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