Shaking…It’s Clear…Go Wait! Can I?

silently shaking
silently shaking

A day or two had gone by since the situation on Easter weekend.  Devon was still saying we needed to communicate more.  “Aime we need to tell each other where we are going.  I want to know you are safe.  I care about you, and I worry about you.  You told me about the boy who followed you around a few times the town you grew up in.  I want to make sure he is not here; did he apply to Lakehead for university?”  Devon had grabbed my arms and kissed me hard.

“Devon my love, no, he did not apply here, I think he’s somewhere in the south part of the province close to home at a community college.”  I looked at Devon after he kissed me.  I did my best to not let Devon see my hands shaking in worry. In reality, I had no idea where he went.  I distanced myself from him for the reason of he was creepy in my eyes, and he also had sexually assaulted me by touching and kissing me and I froze.  I was in grade 9.  And yes, he followed me around walking home from school in grade 9 and 10 until I got my licence and was able to drive to/from school.

I was tired, I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.  I was still feeling like I was shaking still from the whole experience.  Shelley told me we could talk when ever I needed too.  Devon had gone to class and I walked down to Shelley’s house.  She wasn’t home so I left a note on her white board that I wanted to talk about the weekend.  The note also asked if we can talk but not at the residence. What wasn’t on her white board was that I was very afraid that Devon would overhear us talking and come in to wherever we were talking and get upset and grab me or something.

I was home later that evening and on Tuesday after dinner Shelley came looking for me.

I had stepped out of my room to use the washroom.  Devon must had seen me leave my room and go to the washroom.  When Shelley got to my room and didn’t see me, she turned to leave.

“She’s in the bathroom Shelley!”  Of course, Devon knew where I was.

“Thanks, Devon, for telling me!”  Shelley replied to Devon.

Shelley poked her head into the main group washroom and said “Hey Aime, come down to my house when you’re done.”

Finishing up in the washroom I went down to Shelley’s house.  I was nervous, scared that Devon would follow me.

Taking a moment to look behind me, and to stop my hands from shaking to see if Devon had followed me, I knocked on Shelley’s door.  “Hi Aime, so here’s the plan J.P. and I will talk with you.  I have a class tonight that I’ll leave a bit early. When I get home, I’ll call you, and we’ll go over to J.P.’s house, then to the pub.”  She warmly smiled at me.

Taking a big breath, I looked at Shelley “Okay, Devon and I are going swimming tonight over at the field house across campus.”

“No worries, call my house then when you both get back.”

“What if Devon wants to be in the room when I call you?”  Wringing my hands in worry.

“Tell Devon you have a private call to make.  Easy!”  Shelley smiled.

I headed back to my room to gather my swim things.  Towles, deck shoes, swimsuit.  That should be it I thought to myself.  I had said yes to start to teach Devon how to swim.  It was something I loved doing in high school and he wanted to get over his fear of water and swimming.  I thought it was a natural thing to do.  To teach Devon to not be afraid of the water.  I thought I had many years experience teaching little kids about the water that teaching Devon would be easy as well. I knew I had my confidence in the water, that I wouldn’t be shaking in fear.

“Aime you want me to do what?”  Devon looked at me, he was in yellow swim shorts with a white draw string, and yellow pockets.

“I want you to put your face in the water.  Think of it like you are washing your face and you need to get your face wet to wash it.  Take a breath and hold it here with me, and then put your face under the water. Just for 2 seconds, then lift your head and breathe out.”  Smiling and encouraging to Devon I nodded to him.

Devon squeezed my hands when he put his face into the water.  It was his turn to be shaking in fear. When he came up for air after he sputtered and coughed. 

“You did it!”  I beamed at Devon, feeling very proud of him! 

“I think you look hot in your swimsuit, and you’re turning me on Aime.  I want to kiss you here.”  Devon’s eyes were big, and he moved towards me with his hands outstretched.

I stood up straight and with a tone in my voice like a teacher would say when angry at her students “This is not the place for that, not at all.  We don’t want to be kicked out of the pool.”  I moved away from Devon. 

“Oh, now I can see your boobs, so beautiful.”  Devon said to me.

I was wearing a full piece swimsuit, and yes because I have a large chest my boobs are not difficult to see in a Speedo racing swimsuit.  I got out of the pool and grabbed my towel, wrapping the purple and blue towel around me and headed for the change room. Doing my best to not be shaking, in fear, yet I could have said it was cold and that is why I was shaking. I didn’t want that to turn Devon on more, and want to hold and squeeze me or something.

Devon came out into the lobby of the filed house pool and looked at me.  “Sorry Aime, but you are beautiful and turned me on.  You are my girlfriend and I want you to myself.  I don’t want others looking at you.  I’m glad you covered up so the other boys in the pool area wouldn’t see your boobs.”

Hand in hand we walked back towards the residence.  We could see our breath as we walked.  Our feet crunching on the snow.  Yes, Easter weekend, and there was still snow.

“Devon, sweetie, I am expecting a phone call.  So, we got to speed up a bit.”  Starting to get worried, I could feel my hands shaking myself as I told him.

“Who’s it from?”  Devon demanded to know.

“It’s a personal call, I need to be alone.”  Doing my best to stay strong, and not waiver my voice.

“But who’s calling you?”  Anger starting to sound in Devon’s voice.

“It’s a personal call.”  My voice did quiver and I could feel my hands still shaking.

As we walked down the hall towards our rooms I said to Devon “I’ll come to your room when done.  Shouldn’t be too long.”  I knew I had just lied to him.  I knew I wasn’t going to his room after the call was done.

Closing my door behind me when I entered my room Carry smiles.  “Aime, J.P. called and left a message to call her house instead of Shelley’s.  What’s up?  How was the pool with Devon?” 

“Swimming went okay until Devon got possessive of me in my swimsuit.  He didn’t like the other guys seeing me in my swimsuit.  And I’m going with Shelley and J.P.  to talk about Devon and me, and what happened on the weekend.”  I started to shake. My hands are really shaking now.  “Devon thinks I’m making a personal and private call.”

Dialing J.P. I was still shaking.  “Aime are you okay?  Don’t be afraid of Devon.  You should be able to go wherever you please without him knowing.  Shelley and I will be there in a few minutes. Okay?”  J.P. sounding caring and strong at the same time.

“Okay.”  My voice quivered and I let out a shaky breath.

“Aime are you okay?  Take a breath, you are going to be okay.  Stay strong and don’t be afraid.  Shelley and I will be there very soon.”

I hung up the phone and really started shaking like a leaf in a strong wind.

“I’ll play along and play dumb.”  Carry re-assured me.

What seemed like hours but was only 10min Shelley an J.P. arrived at the room.   One good thing is that Shelley could get into the building because her apartment was in the dorm, so she had an outside building key, and the dorm room keys too.  Knocking on the door Carry opened it and smiled at Shelley and J.P.  They both came in and gave me a really big hug.  “Aime you shouldn’t be afraid, and you should feel free to leave without telling Devon where you’re going 24/7.”  J.P. said with compassion and strength.

Putting on my coat and grabbing my keys I made it out of my room okay into the hall.  The brown hallway carpet was rough and well worn and walked on where I stood frozen in the hallway.  Shelley and J.P. walked past Devon’s room without any problems.  I however froze in my tracks, shaking.

“Come on, it’ okay.”  Shelley motioned with her hand and smiled.  J.P. on the other hand pressed her back up on the wall by Devon’s door, brought her hands up to her chest like police officers do before they storm a location.  She snapped her head at Devon’s door which was partly closed and then at me.  Hissing at me she exclaimed “It’s clear, go!”

We walked to the pub, J.P. and Shelley on either side of me.  Once in the pub I still didn’t feel safe.  I was shaking still.  J.P. and Shelley sat me down not facing the main door of the pub.  “Aime, how do you feel?”  J.P. looked concerned when she asked. 

“Scared, what if Devon comes and finds me?  I’m afraid he’ll come looking for me, and there’s only one way out of here.”  Feeling very anxious, shaking and scared I whipped my head around to look out the door of the pub and hallway.  It was lit okay at this time of evening, and the pub goers for the night had not come in yet.

“We don’t need to worry about that.  J.P. has her car keys and we can leave out the server entrance.  We got permission from the pub manager.  We got you, you’re safe with us.”  Shelley reached out to my hands that were shaking on the table.  She squeezed them slightly and smiled at me. J.P. jingled her car keys in her hand and showed them to me.  Smiling at me J.P. said “Tell us what happened on Saturday.”

Retelling Shelley and J.P. what happened was hard.  My voice was shaking, and I was teary eyed.  Saying how I felt trapped, scared, physically assaulted by Devon and being possessed over.  I felt relieved telling them though some how. 

“And that’s my story.”  I took a big breath, and still shaking with big tears welling in my eyes and falling down onto the table.

“Thank you for sharing all that with us.  And we can see and feel how that would be very scary for you.  We’re glad you trusted us with the story and reached out for help.  Now remember we said earlier you can go wherever you please on or off campus.  Without being afraid of Devon.  And he’s not your Mum, you’re right so let’s figure out other things to say to Devon, so you feel confident and strong when around him, and if he starts in on you.  You know how and what to say” J.P. said to me.

“Do you feel better Aime?  We’re always here for you as well as your own R.A. for the residence.  Yes, it does make it a bit tricky as she looks over both you and Devon.  So, if you want to talk with us instead, we totally get it.”  Shelley asked when we were done.

“Yes, a little, thank you.”  Taking a big shaky breath and a sigh of relief I weakly smiled.

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