Exams Almost Done…You Turn Off and On…

exams suck
exams suck!

Oh relief!  Exams suck! I thought as I walked back towards the dorms.  Three down, one to go in the gym.  I had one more exam to write for this term.  I was grateful for the next exam would be a bit easier.   My Women’s Studies class had an essay that I had to write to hand in for my ‘exam’ instead of sitting in a gym writing it.  So technically I had 2 more exams to write.  My Women’s Studies professor said we can write it at home and submit it to her instead.  Which I liked more.  The big gym was not fun at all to write in.  I felt like I was in a herd of sheep being herded into a pen to write the exams.  So many students!  I could feel my anxiety rising when I was walking into the gym.    This was so different to what I was used to in high school, we wrote in our own classrooms with our teacher watching over us.  I was going to relax for the night, as my next exam was in a few days.  It also gave me time to work on my essay. 

Devon heard me come back into my room.  Coming into my room he kissed me.  Devon only had a couple nights left at school till he went home.  “Aime, let’s go over to the main caff for dinner.”

As we were walking down the hall, I saw Nicole.  “Hey Nicole, want to come for dinner with us?  Need a break from studying?”  I asked Nicole with a smile and nodding my head.  Devon didn’t look too impressed but said nothing. 

“Sure Aime!  Thanks for asking! Let me get my keys and card.”  We walked over together, Devon holding my hand tight the entire time we were walking.

“How many exams do you have left Aime?”  Nicole asked

“One to write in the gym, and one to do from home and hand in as an essay.”  I replied to Nicole.

“That’s nice you have a paper essay to write instead of doing the full exam in the gym.  I don’t like the gym.  Do you?”  She asked as she bit down on some French fries.

“No, I don’t.  I didn’t have to do my exams in a big gym in high school, we wrote in our own individual classrooms where we had our regular classes.  So, this is a bit overwhelming going to the field house gym to write our exams.  So many noises, and people’s pens or pencils scratching on the desks.”  I looked at Nicole and glanced over at Devon.

Devon frowned, and glared at me.

“How many exams do you have left Nicole?”  I smiled at Nicole almost ignoring Devon.

“I have 2 more as well.  Yet I have to write them both in the fieldhouse big gym.”  Nicole said back to me.

After Devon and I got back we were in my room.  “I don’t like that you asked Nicole to come with us to dinner.  And you were talking about your time in high school again.  Talking about how you used to write your exams. Remember I don’t like hearing about your time in high school.  I wasn’t there with you to experience it.”  Devon was getting red in the face again.

 Instead of getting even more angry Devon kissed me, and we started kissing each other, and making out.  While we were kissing each other, Devon seemed possessive again over me as he kissed me.

“Stop.”  I pulled away.

“Why do you do that?  Why do you all of a sudden stop?” Devon frowned at me. 

“Because I want to stop.  And I can when ever I want too.”  Doing my best to remain calm.

“It’s like you’re teasing me, why do you do that?”  Devon was getting angry.  I said nothing.

“Come, I want to go for a walk.  Come with me.”  Devon demanded.

Shaking my head, no, Devon frowned again.  “Why?  Why do we do things that you want to do?  Not what I want to do.”  His voice was getting angry.

Then I remembered my Easter weekend and how Shelley said to me to be selfish.  If there was something I didn’t want to do because it makes me uncomfortable then do not do it.

Something inside me said don’t go on the walk with Devon.  The little voice inside me said stay.  I needed to listen to that little voice.  She knew the truth.

Devon got up from the bed.  “Yes I know you have exams still to write, I do to. I love you, an we only have two days left to see each other.  I want to spend all my free time with you.  I’m going to miss you.  I want you to come for a walk with me.  I can’t comprehend how you can turn your emotion off and on like you do.  I don’t get it.”  Devon raised his voice at me in disgust.

Devon then came over to me pulled me up to a standing position and came in for a kiss.  His hands on my neck and he squeezed as he kissed me.

I froze again.  And didn’t move.  I couldn’t speak.  I collapsed onto my bed.

Devon stormed off angry, glaring at me as he left to his room.  Coming back to my room with his jacket still angry he stood hands on his hips glaring at me again with a cold stare.  He marched angry out of my room.  I heard the door open and close to the hallway, and then to the outside.

I shook, frightened I wanted to hide.  I also wanted to talk with Paula.  I took some deep breathes and steadied myself as I stood.  Walking down the hall towards Paula’s room I saw Shelley come out of the hallway door she waved and smiled at me with one of her big smiles and popped into Paula’s room.

Fuck!  Now what, I panicked.  I couldn’t keep two thoughts straight.  I want to hide.  Maybe I’ll hide in the other stair well under the stairs.  It’s dark, and no one would see me.  However, there were people always coming and going and they might actually see me.  Right at Paula’s room was the phone booth.  I thought I could sit there.  Partially under the ledge, no one would see me.  I curled up in a ball sitting under the phone booth ledge and hid behind the partial wall.  Doing my best to calm myself down I took some slow breaths.  People walked by and didn’t see me, for a while.

Robert walked by an he did see me.  He crouched down to where I was. “Aime, are you okay?  Do you need to talk to anyone?”  Robert was on the Emergency First Response Team.  The team I tried out for and didn’t make the cut.  His eyes were calm and peaceful. 

“Hi Robert.  No, it’s okay, thanks.” 

Robert raised his eye bows and said “Okay if you say so.  You know there are people in the dorm you can talk too at any time, right?”

Shaking my head “Yes I know that, I am okay. Thank you.” 

I really wanted to blurt out that Devon was scaring me, and I was afraid of him.  I didn’t want to be a burden on my friends.

A little while later Devon found me.  He glared at me; still angry I could tell.  “Come.”  He ordered me back up he hall.  Devon was still angry as he marched into my room, me following like a small child who as about to be scolded.  Devon did most of the talking, again.  Carry wasn’t there, she was out writing her exam.

“I only have 2 more days with you.  I want to spend all my time with you.  I need you.  I love you.  I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”  Devon sounded upset an angry at the same time.

“Sweetie, I love you too.  But there are other friends I want to see and study for my exams.  I can’t be with you all the time.  I like being with Sam, Nicole, and the rest of the girls.”  Doing my best to not show my emotions of being scared.  I held my hands together on my lap as I sat on my bed.  Staring blankly at Devon.

“I don’t like it when you are with the girls and being out with them.  I need you to show me you love me all the time.  I don’t get how you turn yourself on and off with emotion.  It’s like I’m being teased by you.  Why do you do that?  I love you all the time, it’s like you don’t.  You’re my girlfriend, mine.  You should show me all the time that you love me.”  Devon kissed me.  I didn’t kiss him back.

“I only have 2 more days then I go home to my folks.  I won’t see you till the middle of May.  What will I do without you?  I love you.  I want to be with you, all the time.”  Derek kissed me again and pressed his hands at my neck.

Clearing my throat after kissing Derek I replied again with no emotion.  I wanted him out, to leave.  I didn’t want to make him mad though.  So instead I said “It’s getting late.  I need sleep.”  Doing my best to get Derek out of my room, it was late into the night.

Devon looked at me.  “We can’t sleep together one night?”  Grabbing for my hand.

“Devon, sweetie, it’s a single bed, I move when I sleep, I wouldn’t want to end up on the floor or something like rolling out of the bed.”  I replied.

“I can hold you!  I won’t let you fall.”  Devon smiled. 

“No, Devon, it’s not going to happen.  Good night, I need to get to sleep.”

Devon huffed and left the room.  Really, I did not want to sleep with him ever.